So, Ricks, it's been two years and some since we last talked. In that time, you've expanded your four-part fantasy series to seven books - holy Harry Potter, Batman! - and come out of the closet - bully for you, my brave bi boi! 💗💜💙
Thanks, DP. Well, my family doesn't know yet, but that's because they're phobic as hell.
Fuckin' A. I know that feel. Imagine how my dirty douchebag daddy would react when he found out he'd shot up sperm to make a pan boi like me.
Your dad's all but dead to you, though, isn't he?
For that and many other reasons. But back on subject, my dude. You've made some accomplishments in life - you've even got a job hand-selling books at a prestigious institution of higher learning now, and I understand you've sold some of my shit while you're at it.
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| Helps that for this one in particular, I've got a real-life bromance now. Even if he's hundreds of miles away. |
Ohhhhh, I know which bro you're talking about. ;) Honestly, sincerely, I hope you get to meet him someday. That'll be a nice summer break for you, you know?
It would.
But there's one thing I still need to ask you, something very fucking important...
I'm not marrying you, man, no matter how cute and perky your ass is.
Maybe it is. But yours too, am I right? *reaches around to grab mine*
*slide away because he didn't fucking ask any more than he asked Colossus in the movie*
Hey, wait, I thought you said no spoilers.
That's hardly a spoiler. Not like when-
*covers my mouth*
*bite his hand* -lake-
*covers my mouth again*
*bite his hand again* -wilder-
*covers my mouth again* You know I can fucking heal, right? Biting my hand only turns me on, you cocksucking little-
*put my middle finger into his eyehole, forgetting I haven't trimmed my nails in forever*
GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! Dick move, Rickenstein!
You want a real dick move? *grab for his balls*
*swats my hand away* Nuh-uh! You stay back till you've learned to handle another man's junk like it's your own!
Great. Now you're just quoting my manuscript.
You're goddamn right I am. I'm a fanboy, I'll speak in Ricky quotes as fluently as the next one. Oh, here's another one: "So, uh, who tops first? You top first, I top first?" Brilliant Poe Dameron reference on that one. I can see why you've used it twice. And to answer that question, you top first.
Oh really? Well, that's awful sweet of you.
But I'm the top around here. I'm only doing you a solid 'cause you're still a virgin. Which finally brings me back to my point. How in the motherfucking everloving shitballs are you still a virgin? At your age?
Jesus Christ. I knew you'd go there. And after all your Château de Virgin jokes in the movie too.
But that's all they are, though. Jokes. I'm a literal motherfucking joke machine. That's my real superpower. Even those stupid bloody power-dampener collars - ain't no safe word when they put those on you, just sayin' - they can't stop my motor mouth. And believe me, I may crack a bunch of virgin jokes, but we all know one thing - there ain't nobody in Xavier's place still a virgin above a certain age.
'Cept me, if I go there, ever.
Nah, I'll move you over to the Avengers' place. Black Widow would sleep with you and stick a needle in your neck-
You're very tempting me. I'm not kidding.
Whereas Thor, he'd be a cuddle monster and tell you all these hilarious-ass stories about the old country. I speak from experience on this. ;)
I do love a Hemsworth. And cuddling.
Thunder-Arms gives the best cuddles this side of Vanessa, trust me.
Another line of mine you're pilfering? And a deep cut from my fanfics, too.
Cute of you to notice. All honesty, though? You being a virgin doesn't make you less of a human. It actually makes you more, mostly 'cause it may or may not have turned you into a writing wizard. *takes my hands* That said, Ricky Pinecone...you still need to get fucking laid.
In my own time.
*pats my cheek* Thatsaboi.
Now I feel less like a tool for telling you to leave so I can get to the meat of this review-
You mean the part where you award it an A+ and compliment all the broad-spectrum feels and unexpectedly complex characters? *holds up pics of Cable and Russell, especially*
Actually, I'm giving it an A just because a few of those twists rubbed me the wrong way. Like, they didn't gel with the general tone of the movie as well as they should have-
Come on. You've played a few of those same twists yourself.
In new and inventive ways that feel less...one-sided.
*shrugs* Point.
And yes, a lot of characters are unexpectedly complex. And then there are some that just don't get the screentime they deserve-
Peter, amirite? Only 'cause the script originally called for your sweet little Patronus, but Holland was busy on Titan and Garfield was busy shooting some pretentious-ass pseudo-Hitchcock thing where he wanted to fuck this girl that looked like his old girl-
Took the words right out of my mouth.
*holds up notecard* Want 'em back? I'll season 'em with curry first!
That's okay, I'm trying to take up more protein than fiber in my diet.
As you wish.
But you know who deserves her own solo movie? Domino. Because she's got the best superpower in the whole damn X-Force-
Mmm...I suppose...
And even better, the way they write it! She may have a lot of luck, but lucky twists that happen in the moment, they can still have..."unfortunate" consequences down the line.
Well...that's not lazy writing.
See? You're warming up to her yet.
Of course I am. She's awe and some and I'll be happy to get a glorified cameo in her own movie. I'll be her luck for a moment, play bump-ass with a car door before she motorbikes by, or something like that.
I like the way you think, Wadey. That's why you get an A from me.
And that's why I love you the most of any of my fans, Ricky. *pulls mask up and waits for me to kiss him, which I do*
Of course I'm Emma. Nobody else can be Andy Russell like you, brother. Oh hey, can I say the last part of your goodbye this time?
Sure thing, man. Till next time, Pinecones...
But that's all they are, though. Jokes. I'm a literal motherfucking joke machine. That's my real superpower. Even those stupid bloody power-dampener collars - ain't no safe word when they put those on you, just sayin' - they can't stop my motor mouth. And believe me, I may crack a bunch of virgin jokes, but we all know one thing - there ain't nobody in Xavier's place still a virgin above a certain age.
'Cept me, if I go there, ever.
Nah, I'll move you over to the Avengers' place. Black Widow would sleep with you and stick a needle in your neck-
You're very tempting me. I'm not kidding.
Whereas Thor, he'd be a cuddle monster and tell you all these hilarious-ass stories about the old country. I speak from experience on this. ;)
I do love a Hemsworth. And cuddling.
Thunder-Arms gives the best cuddles this side of Vanessa, trust me.
Another line of mine you're pilfering? And a deep cut from my fanfics, too.
Cute of you to notice. All honesty, though? You being a virgin doesn't make you less of a human. It actually makes you more, mostly 'cause it may or may not have turned you into a writing wizard. *takes my hands* That said, Ricky Pinecone...you still need to get fucking laid.
In my own time.
*pats my cheek* Thatsaboi.
Now I feel less like a tool for telling you to leave so I can get to the meat of this review-
You mean the part where you award it an A+ and compliment all the broad-spectrum feels and unexpectedly complex characters? *holds up pics of Cable and Russell, especially*
Actually, I'm giving it an A just because a few of those twists rubbed me the wrong way. Like, they didn't gel with the general tone of the movie as well as they should have-
Come on. You've played a few of those same twists yourself.
In new and inventive ways that feel less...one-sided.
*shrugs* Point.
And yes, a lot of characters are unexpectedly complex. And then there are some that just don't get the screentime they deserve-
Peter, amirite? Only 'cause the script originally called for your sweet little Patronus, but Holland was busy on Titan and Garfield was busy shooting some pretentious-ass pseudo-Hitchcock thing where he wanted to fuck this girl that looked like his old girl-
Took the words right out of my mouth.
*holds up notecard* Want 'em back? I'll season 'em with curry first!
That's okay, I'm trying to take up more protein than fiber in my diet.
As you wish.
But you know who deserves her own solo movie? Domino. Because she's got the best superpower in the whole damn X-Force-
Mmm...I suppose...
And even better, the way they write it! She may have a lot of luck, but lucky twists that happen in the moment, they can still have..."unfortunate" consequences down the line.
Well...that's not lazy writing.
See? You're warming up to her yet.
Of course I am. She's awe and some and I'll be happy to get a glorified cameo in her own movie. I'll be her luck for a moment, play bump-ass with a car door before she motorbikes by, or something like that.
I like the way you think, Wadey. That's why you get an A from me.
And that's why I love you the most of any of my fans, Ricky. *pulls mask up and waits for me to kiss him, which I do*
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| I'll leave it up to y'all to decide who's the Garfield and who's the Stone here. |
Of course I'm Emma. Nobody else can be Andy Russell like you, brother. Oh hey, can I say the last part of your goodbye this time?
Sure thing, man. Till next time, Pinecones...
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| #FeedTheRightWolf |
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| Remember: Denis Leary is always watching. Always. |
