Black Panther: Wakanda Forever - Don't Ever Say Marvel Has No Heart. Ever. Again.

 **NO SPOILERS FOR WAKANDA FOREVER, BUT SPOILERS FOR PREVIOUS MCU MOVIES AND SHOWS ABOUND WITHIN. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.***

T'Challa is dead.

Long live the king.

You know you're in for a vibranium spear to the feels when this movie opens with Shuri scrambling in her lab to synthesize the heart-shaped herb, lost when Killmonger burned the whole crop in the first Black Panther movie almost a full five years ago, in a last-ditch attempt to save her ailing brother T'Challa. Not unlike Chadwick Boseman in real life, T'Challa dies very suddenly of a terminal illness which no one had known about, and by the time it became clear, it was too late.

Then cue the Marvel Studios logo, the same specifically Black Panther edition which Disney+ placed on the streaming version of the first film in Boseman's honor, with the logo background in purple instead of red.

Total silence.

Don't reach for your popcorn.

And if you think that's the most intense tearjerker this movie has to offer, just you bloody wait.

As T'Challa once famously said, "This never gets old."

Thor: Love and Thunder - Taika's Still Bloody Got It.

 **NO SPOILERS FOR LOVE AND THUNDER, BUT SPOILERS FOR PREVIOUS THOR AND AVENGERS MOVIES ABOUND WITHIN. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.***

Sounds like Marvel fatigue is setting in for a fair few fans, to the point where even when the apotheotic maestro of Ragnarok, Taika Waititi, returns with his latest Asgardian adventure, it's become a little too popular to rag on the movie just to rag on it.

I have to say, to the fans who've been dumping on this movie, kindly go eat a hammer. Taika Waititi's back and better than ever, and I'd like to say that his newest movie actually improves on Ragnarok in a few key respects.

Maybe it's not a perfect improvement. Maybe it does have its flaws.

But for Thor 4: More Thor (great, thanks for making me quote Gina Bloody Peretti), Love and Thunder is an unabashed cosmic rock-n-roll adventure with some genuine heart, and this time, Waititi even does a better job of sticking the balance between comedy and tragedy.

Taika's got another alien rainbow for you to taste...

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness: So Many Maestri, So Little Time

***NO SPOILERS FOR MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS, BUT SPOILERS FOR PREVIOUS MARVEL MOVIES AND TV SHOWS - ESPECIALLY WANDAVISION, NO WAY HOME, INFINITY WAR, AND THE ORIGINAL DOCTOR STRANGE ABOUND WITHIN. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.***

Maybe in an alternate section of our multiverse, this Doctor Strange sequel would've dropped in May 2021 like nature intended. And maybe Scott Derrickson would've still been able to direct?

But no, the version we got comes to us from another horror maestro, one who also has well-established previous experience in the world of superheroes. And I just can't imagine how anyone could've done this movie better justice than Sam Raimi in the director's chair. With a touch of the old Spider-Man style from the 2000s - Raimi gets a fair few fight scenes choreographed in such a way that Tobey Maguire would feel right at home if he ever got the chance to pop through one of Strange's sling ring portals again - and a generous helping of Raimi's Evil Dead vibes, plus the welcome returns of Danny Elfman behind the conductor's stand and Bruce Campbell getting another most memorable cameo?

All on a backdrop of multiversal shenanigans to rival Fringe, or even Agents of SHIELD - which I do highly recommend you catch up on, especially since Season 4 was the first intro to a key concept around which this film revolves.

It's Raimi's funhouse. We're all just running through it.

"Things just got out of hand..."

Spider-Man: No Way Home: NO. SPOILERS.

***WELL, FOR SURE SPOILERS FOR FAR FROM HOME AND A FEW FOR INFINITY WAR AND ENDGAME. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.***

It's finally here, the Marvel event we've most been waiting for this chaotic calendar year. Tom Holland back in the Spidey-suit after Far From Home upended him into the same not-so-secret nature of identity as pretty much every other Marvel Cinematic Universe version of our classic heroes. Thanks, Mysterio. And thanks, J. Jonah Jameson, played once again by J.K. Simmons - and, in this latest movie, graduating from being a mere Alex-Jones-type nuisance to running his own Fox-News-type operation of big bullshit. Naturally, it's bad enough for Peter Parker trying to live with too much polarizing infamy for his own good when he's just trying to get into college, but as the lives of his friends and family become impacted, who better to turn to than our favorite Strange sorcerer (not Supreme, though; Wong having taken that post "on a technicality" due to Strange having been one of the victims of Thanos' snap, which I still refuse to call the bloody "Blip" to this day) in his nice little townhouse of a Sanctum Sanctorum?

But.

As OP as Strange so often is these days, he's no match for the Peter Parker Prattle, ruining the spell to wipe literally everyone's memories of Peter due to Peter fretting about the implications of losing his place in the memories of his loved ones.

Lost in the multiverse, and lost in mind, we shall soon be.

With No Way Home.

Where's Ned and MJ when you need them for a snuggle puddle?

I shall spoil nothing of the movie in this review, but that means it'll have to be kept short by design - not unlike, say, my review of Endgame a couple years back. 

Eternals: Ignore The Anti-Hype, Please.

**NO SPOILERS FOR ETERNALS, BUT SPOILERS FOR PREVIOUS MCU MOVIES APPEAR WITHIN. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.**

For the third time this calendar year, Marvel gifts us with a long-delayed movie, and this time, it's rather unusual this time in that we also have the first officially "Rotten" MCU movie on Rotten Tomatoes, earning only 48% at the time of this writing. Well, I'm here to tell you that in a world where the likes of Thor: The Dark World exist, and where Amazing Spider-Man 2 is also rated "Rotten," such classification is seriously misleading about Marvel's latest. It ain't a perfect movie, but it keeps up pretty well with Marvel tradition - stunning visuals, all-star casting, a left-field choice of director previously known more for low-budget and/or indie fare (and while Chloé Zhao is a well-deserved Oscar winner now, it still feels like quite the leap from Nomadland to Eternals), and an increasing commitment to diversity of talent before and behind the camera.

Shang-Chi And The Legend Of The Ten Rings: Studies In Duality

 **NO SPOILERS FOR SHANG-CHI, BUT MAJOR SPOILERS FOR PREVIOUS MCU FILMS  - ESPECIALLY IRON MAN 3 - ABOUND WITHIN. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.**

Despite the world (at least, in certain areas already predisposed to it) largely returning to past levels of Covid caution, I'm fortunate enough to still be able to go to the movies with all necessary precautions, and especially now that Disney has decided not to follow suit with the pattern set by Black Widow and do a hybrid release for their next Marvel tentpole. Whether it was because they were afraid star Simu Liu might take a page from Scarlett Johannson's book and sue for lost profits (though as outspoken as Liu can be, I doubt this would be a battle he'd pick) or because they think it might hasten a cultural return to normalcy (a sentiment I might be able to appreciate even if many around me wouldn't), who knows.

But for this second of four MCU movies to drop in 2021, Marvel pulls out all the visual stops in such a way as to justify the cost of the theater tickets.

Ten rings, but at least ten times as many distinct powers.

Black Widow: Marvel Takes Us Back To The Movies

 **MINOR SPOILERS FOR BLACK WIDOW, PLUS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR PREVIOUS MCU FILMS  - ESPECIALLY CIVIL WAR, INFINITY WAR, AND ENDGAME - ABOUND WITHIN. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.**

It's been a minute.

After most of 2020 saw the movie theaters closed for months at a time (depending on where you live, of course, but I still lived in California at the time so maaaaaaaybe one or two months open was the best we got, and I didn't even go back there then, not even for Tenet like I'd really been hoping), 2021 is looking to be the year when, with the help of various hybrid theatrical/streaming releases and most people (assuming you can trust their Insta and/or dating app profiles anyway) taking their Covid vaccines, the box office starts finally coming back to life.

And so far, the biggest boon in this year's cultural story has been, naturally, the swan song of the great Scarlett Johansson's performance as Natasha Romanoff, going back to before her untimely death in Endgame to a period between Civil War and Infinity War when she was still on the run for violating the Sokovia Accords (and especially for assaulting the King of Wakanda, according to Secretary Ross in an early scene as he tries to apprehend her.) While it's no longer technically the start to Phase Four of the MCU like nature intended - that honor goes to WandaVision now, and all its bonkers sitcom pastiches, deep explorations of the persistence of grief, and gleeful pokes in the eye to all the fans and their theories (to the point where it almost feels like the writers deliberately made...adjustments...to torpedo the theories with extreme prejudice, as impossible as it would've been given the known production timelines and logistical difficulties posed in the world of Covid.) 

But for Black Widow, director Cate Shortland and a spot-on cast - particularly the supporting cast, many of whom do a great job acting circles around ScarJo and making promising cases for their own movies and TV shows further down the line - serve up a damn fine thriller in the vein of Mission: Impossible - a little more grounded than most Marvel productions, but still, never losing sight of where to spend all the money Disney racked up in the last few years.

Where one family leaves, another awaits.

The Rise Of Skywalker: So Close To Perfection...

...if only Mr. Abrams had taken just a few more cues from Mr. Johnson.

***NO SPOILERS FOR THE RISE OF SKYWALKER, BUT SPOILERS FOR THE PREVIOUS FILMS OF THE STAR WARS SEQUEL TRILOGY ABOUND HEREIN. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.***

So yeah. The Force Awakens stays Mr. Abrams' Magnum Opus. And The Last Jedi, while Knives Out appeals to take over as Mr. Johnson's Magnum Opus, remains the Magnum Opus of the sequel trilogy for sure. This could've been so good, and I'm not saying it wasn't...if only for a few little issues. And a big one for me in particular - one that I was in diametric opposition to my dear friend Speedy on, though there was one other development that disappointed us both.

But oh, you kid. You think I didn't like this movie? I most certainly did, ya moof-milkers. J.J. Abrams never goes wrong as far as I'm concerned, not enough to tank the movie, and The Rise of Skywalker is no exception. Not now, not ever.

Rey, my queen. And Ben, get that helmet off, I need to see how sweet you are too.

Spider-Man: Far From Home - "The Owls Are Not What They Seem..."

...but neither are any of the other animals.

***NO SPOILERS FOR FAR FROM HOME, BUT SPOILERS FOR PREVIOUS MCU FILMS, ESPECIALLY HOMECOMING, INFINITY WAR, AND ENDGAME, ABOUND HEREIN. FURTHER SPOILERS ABOUND FOR AGENTS OF SHIELD, AS WELL AS NON-MCU SPIDER-MAN FILMS, INCLUDING THE RAIMI TRILOGY AND AMAZING SERIES. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.***

Just like Ant-Man three years ago, here we get a more lighthearted coda to a phase of the Marvel Cinematic Universe to follow a bombastic, intense, unremitting actioner of an Avengers movie. And after the bittersweet ending of Endgame, what better antidote than Tom Holland getting, once again, to be the sunniest exemplar yet of doing whatever a spider can?

Avengers: Endgame - Throw It All At The Wall And See What Sticks? Everything. (Almost.)

***NO SPOILERS FOR ENDGAME, BUT SPOILERS FOR PREVIOUS MCU FILMS - ESPECIALLY INFINITY WAR AND ANT-MAN AND THE WASP, ABOUND WITHIN. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.***

It all ends here.

Well, not really. There's more. We know there's more.

But yes, this 22nd film of the Marvel Cinematic Universe brings to a close Book One - the Infinity Saga - after eleven years of entertainment and ever-decreasing patience on the part of we the fans.

And if you don't let the inevitable plot holes brought on by the very premise of this one bring you down, well, you're in for a hell of a ride.

"Whatever it takes," Cap says. And he's soooo right.

Captain Marvel: Sorry Spark, But Team Instinct's Got A New Leader Now

***NO SPOILERS FOR CAPTAIN MARVEL, BUT SPOILERS FOR OTHER MCU FILMS - PARTICULARLY INFINITY WAR AND GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, AS WELL AS AGENTS OF SHIELD, APPEAR HEREIN. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.***

I've been seeing a lot of conflicting responses to Captain Marvel's official MCU intro in the days since her movie came out. A lot of people saying that it was a beautiful movie to watch, but the writing wasn't so good, or that Brie Larson was miscast. At least I don't really follow any of the whole "manbabies crying foul because they hate even the slightest whiff of feminism" crowd, so nobody I knew was complaining about the movie that unjustifiably. But I was told to lower my expectations and everything would be more enjoyable that way. Maybe I did just a little. But I still found it, like Aquaman, a case of the trailers being deceptively not the best, and the movie itself actually being pretty damn good - bar a few flaws, of course.

Ready to fly, Captain? I know I sure am.

My 2018 Favorites: The Fourth Annual Pinecone Awards!

Welcome back, Pinecones, to the latest in my annual end-of-year Pinecone Awards! As always, it was a real roller-coaster of a pop-cultural year, with more than a few surprises in store as I worked to compile the rankings. Though I thought I'd be keeping the Special Salute back and saving it for more of an every-three-years thing - since I introduced the Special Salutes with the Third Pinecones last year - I had to bring them back, because they make it so much easier to honor more deserving creations. And what a bunch of deserving creations there were, especially the Special Salutes. And the first-place finishers.

Hopefully this year will be the last that I'll be waiting in vain for my own books to be published alongside the likes of those who win Pinecones year in and year out. But until then, let's start, as is traditional, with the best books of 2018!

Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse - Hate To Say It, But Did Sony Actually Get One Right?

***THIS IS A SPOILER-FREE REVIEW.***

Well, this was a terrible movie to watch...

...on a day when I'd been fighting off some kind of tension headache.

What, did you think I was going to do what a small number of assbutts did by contributing to the loss of this movie's perfect 100 on Rotten Tomatoes? Perish the thought. Though the two Amazing Spider-Man movies remain my favorite Spidey-films ever purely because of how much Andrew Garfield mirrored my own personality - and because of how much he and Emma Stone, as Gwen Stacy, formed the platinum standard for fictional ships for my own writing to aspire to - Into the Spider-Verse, our film debut for numerous incarnations of webslingers including the great Miles Morales, is a smaller, and yet bigger, masterpiece of cinematic awesome.

Also: god DAMN, I wish those kicks of his weren't so spendy IRL.

Ralph Breaks The Internet: Oh My Disney, This Movie Is Awe And Some!

***THIS IS A SPOILER-FREE REVIEW.***

"Hello hello
Let me tell you what it's like to be a zero, zero
Let me show you what it's like to always feel, feel
Like I'm empty and there's nothing really real, real
I'm looking for a way out!"
-Imagine Dragons

Let me also tell you that I'm very glad Imagine Dragons made "Zero" part of their brand-new album the way Fall Out Boy did for "Immortals" and Big Hero 6 roughly this time four years ago, because it totally deserves album inclusion for greater exposure...but I digress. The real genius of that song, though, is how it kinda low-key spoils one of the great themes of this really long-awaited Disney sequel, except not really. Because while it does give away that this one deals with loneliness - appropriate for a movie about the internet, no? - it doesn't say which major character has to grapple with this conflict, and in different ways, it's both our movie's stars who do. And along the way, it's a fun-tastic ride through cyberspace, but not at all without a serious emotional core like the best Disney movies.

Oh hai, Shank. I wanna get the right threads to cosplay as you next.

The Crimes Of Grindelwald: "You Never Met A Monster You Couldn't Love."

***NO SPOILERS FOR THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD, BUT SPOILERS FOR THE FIRST FANTASTIC BEASTS FILM, AS WELL AS SOME OF THE HARRY POTTER NOVELS, ABOUND HEREIN. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.***

Over the years, it's become a running gag of sorts that J.K. Rowling will drop a whole new bit of long-hidden behind-the-scenes Potterlore on Pottermore, and virtually the entire internet rolls their collective eyes at her for having done so. Me, I'm enough of a lore fiend who's memorized so much trivia about the entire franchise that I've always dug it, and even had a private laugh at how much, to my perception, everyone else was just reaching for a reason to compete to see who could lay the sickest burn on one of my greatest inspirations. But this time I may have hit my limit? And not because of there being too much lore, but because I think this time, while sitting down to type up The Crimes of Grindelwald, JKR may have left her story bible behind in her other Scottish Highland mansion and saturated this screenplay, twisty as it was, with a few annoying continuity errors. So, yeah, in the twenty-four hours and counting since I've seen this movie, a lot of thoughts have percolated about it in my mind, all of it mixed. But I'm not about to toss the franchise in the trash heap, not by a long shot. It'd take a hell of a lot of Mooncalf shit on JKR's part to get me to jump on that bandwagon, and sure, we've never been closer to that hell of a lot. But for all the faults this movie's got, so much of it (*cough NEWT SCAMANDER MY AUTISTIC HERO cough*) shines jewel-bright like the Occamy's silver eggshells.

Everyone looking good and stylish. Except that bleached asshole on the upper right.

Ant-Man And The Wasp: Mind. Bent.

***NO SPOILERS FOR ANT-MAN AND THE WASP, BUT SPOILERS FOR PREVIOUS MCU FILMS WILL APPEAR WITHIN. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.***

The first Ant-Man movie, three years ago, was refreshingly different from most of the rest of the MCU, being centered on the West Coast instead of the East and also, to a degree not shown in any previous MCU movie up to that point besides Guardians of the Galaxy, being very humor-oriented without sacrificing a great deal of heart in the process. It also served as a coda to Phase Two, following up on a game-changing episode in Age of Ultron. Here, the stakes are a little different. Ant-Man and the Wasp isn't a coda to Phase Three - that phase still has a year to go yet! Instead, it builds up to an ending that ties this latest San Francisco side trip back to Infinity War and its legendarily Rick Riordan-grade cliffhanger. But until that point, this movie continues the stylistic and emotional trend of its predecessor, heavy on heart and humor both and also managing to outdo the first Ant-Man in the visual department.

Golder than the gate in the center of the poster, accurately reflecting just how killer fun this movie is.

Solo: Damn, You're All Sleeping On This

***THIS IS A SPOILER-FREE REVIEW.***

For the first time since...maybe the Clone Wars movie? If we can count that one? Anyway, for the first time in a long time, we're getting a Star Wars movie that's not earning beaucoup bucks at the box office, and certainly not enough to recoup its massive budget, made even more massive because of behind-the-scenes trouble and major creative changes resulting thereof.

Though tell that to the nearly-packed house I sat in to watch the movie today, on its third weekend of business, when Ocean's 8 is looking to snatch a handy #1 spot.

Maybe some of those people were packed in to watch the movie a second or even third time? I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe Solo isn't the best Star Wars movie that's ever been, but it's a damn good fit into the franchise. Maybe it ties itself in a few too many knots to explain some of Han's backstory - and not even all of it, not now that they're planning a possible Solo trilogy, even! - but it does a great job of capturing viewer interest the whole way.

Everyone's here to play. Especially Han and Lando, of course.

I won't get into too much detail about the storyline, even though it's been long enough that the spoilers are probably all over the place by now. I managed to avoid most of them, though - with one exception, but that was for a surprise that was really there more for the hardcore fans in the audience (of which I can hardly count myself, despite my repeat viewings of every movie so far and consumption of a lot of the EU books and such.) I will tell you, though, that one big theory my friend Sam and I thought of together? It didn't happen. Such is the nature of this movie, a heist story to its core, unpredictable and predicated on tons upon tons of twists and backstabbings. I'll say this much, though: the establishments of certain plot points from the original trilogy's backstory are mostly well done (except for the occasional ass-pull that feels a little too well-highlighted), and there's one death in particular that'll have you all up in your feels without a doubt.

One of the biggest worries I had going into this movie was that Alden Ehrenreich wouldn't be able to hold a candle to the OG himself, Harrison Ford. Maybe not. But it's been repeatedly pointed out that Ehrenreich is doing his own thing, which isn't entirely divorced from Ford's portrayal, but still has to showcase a certain inexperience. Not a lot of it, though, not when he's gotta be a player and schemer with the best of them. Then again, though, there's a reason why I liked Ehrenreich in Beautiful Creatures, and here, where he's something of a happy medium between Harrison Ford and Dylan O'Brien, he shines just as much. Donald Glover deserves special mention too - not only because, well, he's DONALD FREAKING GLOVER, but also because of the depth he gives his performance as Lando. Not unlike Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan in the prequels (and hopefully in his own solo spinoff down the pipeline), Glover channels Billy Dee Williams to such a degree that he looks and sounds almost exactly like the guy. In addition, playing Lando as pansexual (though they don't outright say so, it's all but spelled out anyway) made this bi boy have a few extra chuckles. And for the supporting cast, franchise newcomers Woody Harrelson, Thandie Newton, Paul Bettany, and Emilia Clarke add more notches to their already-well-scored belts. Especially Clarke - because while I find it nigh impossible to unhear Daenerys, Qi'ra is a different kind of Star Wars leading lady, definitely more to the Jyn Erso end of things than Leia or Rey or Padmé. And your favorite character by far, if your tastes run anything close to mine, will be L3-37. She's a friggin' blast.

Perhaps the greatest strength in the movie is visual - no surprise given this franchise, but I swear this one steps up the special effects game like none other in the franchise have before. Highlights include the monorail heist - in which the train and rails bend several times, forcing Han and Chewie and everyone else in the crew to really keep on their toes - and of course the storied Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs, which simply has to be seen to be believed. While the earliest movies in the Disney era didn't quite make good special effects standards (Rogue One, I still mostly remember it for its terribad CGI), this and The Last Jedi really show a step up in this department.

Solo, again, isn't the best Star Wars movie ever. But it gets an A- from me, especially because while every trailer had me saying, "Please don't suck," the actual product still managed to exceed my expectations. And I'm actually glad they chose Ron Howard to direct in the end - Lord and Miller may be talented guys, but their talents would've been wasted trying to make a Star Wars movie so funny it turned into self-parody.

Till next time, Pinecones...

#FeedTheRightWolf

Remember: Denis Leary is always watching. Always.

Deadpool 2: A Filthy, Foul-Mouthed Family

***WARNING: NO SPOILERS FOR DEADPOOL 2, BUT NSFW LANGUAGE ABOUNDS. IT'S DEADPOOL, AFTER ALL.***

So, Ricks, it's been two years and some since we last talked. In that time, you've expanded your four-part fantasy series to seven books - holy Harry Potter, Batman! - and come out of the closet - bully for you, my brave bi boi! 💗💜💙

Thanks, DP. Well, my family doesn't know yet, but that's because they're phobic as hell.

Fuckin' A. I know that feel. Imagine how my dirty douchebag daddy would react when he found out he'd shot up sperm to make a pan boi like me.

Your dad's all but dead to you, though, isn't he?

For that and many other reasons. But back on subject, my dude. You've made some accomplishments in life - you've even got a job hand-selling books at a prestigious institution of higher learning now, and I understand you've sold some of my shit while you're at it.

Helps that for this one in particular, I've got a real-life bromance now. Even if he's hundreds of miles away.

Ohhhhh, I know which bro you're talking about. ;) Honestly, sincerely, I hope you get to meet him someday. That'll be a nice summer break for you, you know?

It would.

But there's one thing I still need to ask you, something very fucking important...

I'm not marrying you, man, no matter how cute and perky your ass is.

Maybe it is. But yours too, am I right? *reaches around to grab mine*

*slide away because he didn't fucking ask any more than he asked Colossus in the movie*

Hey, wait, I thought you said no spoilers.

That's hardly a spoiler. Not like when-

*covers my mouth*

*bite his hand* -lake-

*covers my mouth again*

*bite his hand again* -wilder-

*covers my mouth again* You know I can fucking heal, right? Biting my hand only turns me on, you cocksucking little-

*put my middle finger into his eyehole, forgetting I haven't trimmed my nails in forever*

GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! Dick move, Rickenstein!

You want a real dick move? *grab for his balls*

*swats my hand away* Nuh-uh! You stay back till you've learned to handle another man's junk like it's your own!

Great. Now you're just quoting my manuscript.

You're goddamn right I am. I'm a fanboy, I'll speak in Ricky quotes as fluently as the next one. Oh, here's another one: "So, uh, who tops first? You top first, I top first?" Brilliant Poe Dameron reference on that one. I can see why you've used it twice. And to answer that question, you top first.

Oh really? Well, that's awful sweet of you.

But I'm the top around here. I'm only doing you a solid 'cause you're still a virgin. Which finally brings me back to my point. How in the motherfucking everloving shitballs are you still a virgin? At your age?

Jesus Christ. I knew you'd go there. And after all your Château de Virgin jokes in the movie too.

But that's all they are, though. Jokes. I'm a literal motherfucking joke machine. That's my real superpower. Even those stupid bloody power-dampener collars - ain't no safe word when they put those on you, just sayin' - they can't stop my motor mouth. And believe me, I may crack a bunch of virgin jokes, but we all know one thing - there ain't nobody in Xavier's place still a virgin above a certain age.

'Cept me, if I go there, ever.

Nah, I'll move you over to the Avengers' place. Black Widow would sleep with you and stick a needle in your neck-

You're very tempting me. I'm not kidding.

Whereas Thor, he'd be a cuddle monster and tell you all these hilarious-ass stories about the old country. I speak from experience on this. ;)

I do love a Hemsworth. And cuddling.

Thunder-Arms gives the best cuddles this side of Vanessa, trust me.

Another line of mine you're pilfering? And a deep cut from my fanfics, too.

Cute of you to notice. All honesty, though? You being a virgin doesn't make you less of a human. It actually makes you more, mostly 'cause it may or may not have turned you into a writing wizard. *takes my hands* That said, Ricky Pinecone...you still need to get fucking laid.

In my own time.

*pats my cheek* Thatsaboi.

Now I feel less like a tool for telling you to leave so I can get to the meat of this review-

You mean the part where you award it an A+ and compliment all the broad-spectrum feels and unexpectedly complex characters? *holds up pics of Cable and Russell, especially*

Actually, I'm giving it an A just because a few of those twists rubbed me the wrong way. Like, they didn't gel with the general tone of the movie as well as they should have-

Come on. You've played a few of those same twists yourself.

In new and inventive ways that feel less...one-sided.

*shrugs* Point.

And yes, a lot of characters are unexpectedly complex. And then there are some that just don't get the screentime they deserve-

Peter, amirite? Only 'cause the script originally called for your sweet little Patronus, but Holland was busy on Titan and Garfield was busy shooting some pretentious-ass pseudo-Hitchcock thing where he wanted to fuck this girl that looked like his old girl-

Took the words right out of my mouth.

*holds up notecard* Want 'em back? I'll season 'em with curry first!

That's okay, I'm trying to take up more protein than fiber in my diet.

As you wish.

But you know who deserves her own solo movie? Domino. Because she's got the best superpower in the whole damn X-Force-

Mmm...I suppose...

And even better, the way they write it! She may have a lot of luck, but lucky twists that happen in the moment, they can still have..."unfortunate" consequences down the line.

Well...that's not lazy writing.

See? You're warming up to her yet.

Of course I am. She's awe and some and I'll be happy to get a glorified cameo in her own movie. I'll be her luck for a moment, play bump-ass with a car door before she motorbikes by, or something like that.

I like the way you think, Wadey. That's why you get an A from me.

And that's why I love you the most of any of my fans, Ricky. *pulls mask up and waits for me to kiss him, which I do*

I'll leave it up to y'all to decide who's the Garfield and who's the Stone here.

Of course I'm Emma. Nobody else can be Andy Russell like you, brother. Oh hey, can I say the last part of your goodbye this time?

Sure thing, man. Till next time, Pinecones...

#FeedTheRightWolf

Remember: Denis Leary is always watching. Always.

Best And Worst Of The 2017-18 TV Season

As another TV season ends, I've got some Netflix involvement in the rankings of my Best and Worst shows of the year, thanks to having finally joined that streaming service after such a long time of not being on it like everyone else. So, while the party typically don't stop till The Flash or the Agents of SHIELD walk out, it's time I put up the rankings and their reasonings, as has become my annual tradition.

As always, we're starting with the Bottom 5.

5. Jessica Jones

I admit, it's a tad unfair that I'm including the new season of Jessica Jones in this list, since I'm still only halfway through it as of this writing - only seven episodes out of thirteen. But those seven episodes are such a long, meandering mess, with almost entire episodes' worth of flashbacks to further disrupt the pacing, that it's become little more than glorified background viewing for me at this point. Even worse, there's no villain as memorable and despicable as Kilgrave, and it shows. Pretty much the only reason I want to finish now is so I can move on to the upcoming second season of Luke Cage as quickly as possible.

Not much of an excuse there, JJ.

4. The Magicians

I used to actually really like this Syfy show because I thought it was better than the original source material - Lev Grossman's grimdark "parody" of popular fantasy novels. This year, however, as The Magicians TV series outstripped the source material, it became painfully clear, for the first time, that the show really wasn't much better than the books. By this point, I really can't care for any of these characters, not even Quentin, whose depressed and disaffected and denied-all-the-love attitude was my main reason for relating to the show in the first place. Pretty much the only reason I'm not quitting the show entirely is because of the massive reinvention promised by this season's cliffhanger, but aside from that, I'm sick and tired of these poorly written millennial stereotypes.

Yeah, you heard me, Elliott. And frankly, you make me wanna gouge my eyes out.

3. Supergirl

Hard to believe this show, one of my favorites from last year - a previous Pinecone Award winner, too! - has fallen so hard from grace. Season 2, as far as I'm concerned, was Peak Supergirl for me, largely because of the lovely character development given to Mon-El and the naturally chemically effervescent Karamel ship. Unfortunately, it appears the writers have instead listened to Mon's haters this year, minimizing his strength (literal man-killing "omicron radiation," anyone?) and sinking Karamel in favor of the chemistry-free "SaturnValor" ship (and even worse, the highly problematic casting of Amy Jackson as Imra, or as I like to call her, "Superhomewrecker.") This, combined with an strong shift to visual and emotional darkness reminiscent of that of The Flash Season 3 (a season from which they still haven't fully recovered, and likely never will because of the neglect of Wally West and continued excessive focus on WestAllen), has made Supergirl now my least favorite Arrowverse show by far. Don't get me wrong, I still have my faves - Kara, Mon, Alex, Winn, J'onn, and all their actors (But especially my forever faves Melissa Benoist and Chris Wood.) But when multiple friends of mine in the fandom have quit watching the show because of the writers' betrayal, you know the show's in the toilet. Bringing in Stitchers creator Jeffrey Schechter for Season 4 might help because we'll get the very man responsible for Camsten hopefully helping reverse the damage this season's writers did to Karamel, but the antis are already working their evil magic on him, so that's got me super worried.

Kara, I love you, but without your better half, there's so much less sunshine in the world.

2. The Walking Dead

Not a surprise to see back in the Bottom 5 is another old favorite of mine - my least favorite show last season. Though they promised All Out War - specifically, an adaptation of that storyline from the Walking Dead comics - they really gave us yet another long, drawn-out, dreadful, piss-poor, horrible torture-fest of not enough going in the good guys' favor and too much going in the bad guys' favor. Even though the bad guys all but imploded in the end - and thank God too! - the very end of this eighth season of The Walking Dead denies us all proper closure, and is further proof that the writers have their heads firmly up Negan's ass at all times. Figuring in the death of one of my favorite characters, one whose death pretty much only pleases that bastard Scott Gimple and all the most hateful jerks in the fandom? I'm glad the ratings for this show have gone significantly down, and it's all Gimple's fault. But hey, Gimple's no longer going to be head writer going forward, so maybe this time next year, TWD won't be in the Bottom 5 again.

Pictured: the guy representing how much I'd love to personally assassinate Negan. Even though he never did himself.

1. Inhumans

Now that ABC finally did the right thing and cancelled this hot mess, we can finally, officially pretend this darkest hour of the MCU never happened.

Seriously. A coproduction between Marvel, ABC, and IMAX, and shit like this is where all the money went?

And now, the Top 5!

5. The 100

The one and only show to have made it into the Pinecone Awards every year since they began, The 100 is also looking to be the first-ever four-time winner as well. After the new apocalypse of Season 4's Praimfaya, Season 5 begins with a soft reboot, jumping ahead in time six years. Though there's far less of the world to inhabit now - the only safe places being in space, a single green valley on the ground, and the bunker under Polis - the new season has taken a different approach, spending entire episodes dealing with either Clarke and Madi in the valley and Bellamy and company up in space, or Octavia and Indra and all our old Skaikru and Grounder friends down in the bunker. It's a strangely Walking Dead-like approach, but here, it works because we're not following one or two characters for an entire episode. We're following a lot of people, and seeing them put through all the wringers, and it's proven some of the most fascinating viewing we've had on this show since the diabolical ALIE storyline in Season 3.

And here we see Clarke, that Mama Bear, with a little bit of red stripe like a throwback to her Wanheda days.

4. A Series of Unfortunate Events

I was able to finally watch the entire Season the First of this series in January, not long after joining Netflix for the first time. That first season was great because it adapted the first four books very faithfully, while incorporating the ongoing VFD mystery from the get-go not unlike the 2004 film (which still holds a special place in my heart.) But now, in Season the Second, we get ten episodes of such strong aesthetic variety (my favorite, though, is the Harry Potter-meets-The Hunger Games style of The Austere Academy, closely followed by the Art Deco Ersatz Elevator), and also more of the VFD mystery being unveiled with the early additions of Olivia Caliban and Jacques Snicket - bet you didn't see that coming! Though the new season does have its little flaws - The Ersatz Elevator gets a little too padded with Olaf's song and dance, and Mr. Poe feels a little awkwardly shoehorned into the plot at times where he wasn't there in the books - it's also very faithful to the books, and feels even more so like the second coming of Pushing Daisies, that I can't help but love what Snicket's given us.

Bit of a stretch to call Nero a villain, though - in this adaptation, they actually make him slightly nicer.

3. The Good Place

As always, I can never spoil exactly what makes this show super-duper fun, especially if you haven't started it yet.

If so, forking start already!

All I will spoil is that this shot ends Season 2. But it's evergreen for starting to watch any episode of this show.

2. Legends of Tomorrow

Rocketing its way up to the top of my Arrowverse TV series rankings now is this time-travel tale. Though Arrow won the Pinecone as recently as December 2017 due in large part to the presence of Michael Emerson as Cayden James, since then, Legends of Tomorrow has become the best of the bunch. And in this case, it's because of some new characters who've joined the show in the latter half of Season 3. I'm especially looking at my old fave Constantine, who's set to finally become a Legend himself as of Season 4, and also at Wally West, finally giving Keiynan Lonsdale the chance to be himself - and be awe and some - after months of neglect at the hands of the Flash writers. That, plus the season finale, in which Legends finally embraces its cheesiest awesome instincts and totally abandons the overdramatic shackles that plagued it from its beginning. Maybe a little too off the wall at times - like, really, telling teenage Barack Obama "Make America Grodd Again?" - but this will always be remembered in this house as the season of Mallus, John Noble (as himself, even!), Wally, Constantine, and of course, Beebo.

Do you accept Beebo as your Lord and Savior?

1. Agents of SHIELD

If I have to explain again why this is my favorite show, just check my Twitter page. It's practically a Daisy, Coulson, FitzSimmons, and Yo-Yo stan account anyway.

It's too bad we have to wait a year now for Season 6 in summer 2019 (!!!), but the fact that Season 6 is happening, it's a bloody godsend.

Daisy's gonna kick some names and take some ass. Though she's always got permission to take mine, of course.

And thus endeth, once again, my TV season rankings.

Till next time, Pinecones...

#FeedTheRightWolf

Remember: Denis Leary is always watching. Always.

Avengers: Infinity War - "I Don't Feel So Good..."

***NO SPOILERS FOR INFINITY WAR, BUT SPOILERS FOR PREVIOUS MCU FILMS APPEAR WITHIN. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED: THANOS DEMANDS YOUR SILENCE.***

If you think the quote I'm using as the subtitle of this review is an indication that I didn't, in fact, like Avengers: Infinity War, you couldn't be more wrong. I'm just using that line because, while I can't explain the exact context of its delivery without a massive spoiler (and I have to cut out the name of the character to whom it's addressed, because that address alone is a spoiler in and of itself), it was part and parcel of the single most devastating scene in the entire movie, for sure the most devastating since the ending of The Amazing Spider-Man 2, and that's saying something. After ten years of buildup, does Infinity War end the MCU? Well, no. But it does shake things up so enormously that it's a good thing we only have to wait one year, instead of three, for the next Avengers movie. Next, and likely last, but still, it'll be too long a wait.

Look at everyone ready to fight Thanos - or, to paraphrase and embellish on Stark's dialogue, the Diseased Purple Nutsack.

You know this movie's the most serious business the MCU's given us yet when, instead of the usual soaring Michael Giacchino theme that plays over the Marvel Studios opening logo, we instead hear a distress call from the ship carrying all the Asgardians fleeing the destruction of their homeworld in Ragnarok six months ago. And the logo slowly gets a black background instead of the usual red one. And then it all jumps to the flaming wreckage of the ship, with so much death and destruction already, and no less than two major characters die on screen at Thanos' hand before this opening scene is over.

Yeah...that one Ragnarok post-credits scene was a little funny until Thanos showed up, and then we were all, "Oh crap." But now it's far less funny. In fact, this movie is so radically different from all previous Marvel movies, the most unremitting and intense yet, that it actually makes all the others look naive and silly in hindsight, knowing that, up to now, this is what it all leads up to. The movie where the impossible happens - all the Infinity Stones make themselves known, everything hurts and we're all dying, and, most impossible of all, you're actually going to hate Star-Lord and that's a promise.

There's really not a lot to say on this movie that isn't a spoiler, so this review is gonna be a short one. All I will say is this: Marvel puts out product that meets their usual standards and then some, as expected, and are we sure Joss Whedon wasn't involved in the screenwriting of this movie? Like, at all? I mean, not that Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely can't pull off serious game-changers after Winter Soldier and Civil War, not that the Russo Brothers can't direct the hell out of said game-changing scripts with top-notch actors all over the place...but seriously, this is some Whedon-level soul-bombage. Okay, maybe it doesn't have to be Joss. Maybe Jed. Jed Whedon proved himself capable of searing our souls to ash with Agents of SHIELD Episode 4x15: "Self Control," the second-best episode in that show's history (only 5x01, "Orientation, Part 1," beats it out, and only by a narrow margin.) Sure, Agents of SHIELD is kept mostly separate from the larger MCU - though this Friday's episode does drop a tiny nugget of a hint about Infinity War when Daisy asks, "Have you seen what's happening in New York?" But I'm firmly convinced Markus and McFeely consulted with at least one Whedon on their script for this one, just from the way we get a metric ton of death, and even leaving a few emotional cracks in Thanos' armor in the process.

The ending, though.

Slow.

Goddamn.

TORTURE.

Especially when a certain someone says "I don't feel so good." You'll gasp when the first death happens in that scene, scream and swear at the screen at another, sit back numb for most of the rest of them...but one. ONE. Will make you cry all the ugly tears like Amazing Spider-Man 2 all over again.

Not to mention that one death when even Thanos cries.

And also the scene where one character literally begs for their own future death. I shit you not.

To Infinity War, I give an A grade - likely to be bumped up to an A+ once it's properly paired with next year's conclusion, which better set this house in order because there's no way all those deaths are going to stick.

This could NOT have been the only way.

Till next time, Pinecones...

#FeedTheRightWolf

Remember: Denis Leary is always watching. Always.