Avengers: Infinity War - "I Don't Feel So Good..."

***NO SPOILERS FOR INFINITY WAR, BUT SPOILERS FOR PREVIOUS MCU FILMS APPEAR WITHIN. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED: THANOS DEMANDS YOUR SILENCE.***

If you think the quote I'm using as the subtitle of this review is an indication that I didn't, in fact, like Avengers: Infinity War, you couldn't be more wrong. I'm just using that line because, while I can't explain the exact context of its delivery without a massive spoiler (and I have to cut out the name of the character to whom it's addressed, because that address alone is a spoiler in and of itself), it was part and parcel of the single most devastating scene in the entire movie, for sure the most devastating since the ending of The Amazing Spider-Man 2, and that's saying something. After ten years of buildup, does Infinity War end the MCU? Well, no. But it does shake things up so enormously that it's a good thing we only have to wait one year, instead of three, for the next Avengers movie. Next, and likely last, but still, it'll be too long a wait.

Look at everyone ready to fight Thanos - or, to paraphrase and embellish on Stark's dialogue, the Diseased Purple Nutsack.

You know this movie's the most serious business the MCU's given us yet when, instead of the usual soaring Michael Giacchino theme that plays over the Marvel Studios opening logo, we instead hear a distress call from the ship carrying all the Asgardians fleeing the destruction of their homeworld in Ragnarok six months ago. And the logo slowly gets a black background instead of the usual red one. And then it all jumps to the flaming wreckage of the ship, with so much death and destruction already, and no less than two major characters die on screen at Thanos' hand before this opening scene is over.

Yeah...that one Ragnarok post-credits scene was a little funny until Thanos showed up, and then we were all, "Oh crap." But now it's far less funny. In fact, this movie is so radically different from all previous Marvel movies, the most unremitting and intense yet, that it actually makes all the others look naive and silly in hindsight, knowing that, up to now, this is what it all leads up to. The movie where the impossible happens - all the Infinity Stones make themselves known, everything hurts and we're all dying, and, most impossible of all, you're actually going to hate Star-Lord and that's a promise.

There's really not a lot to say on this movie that isn't a spoiler, so this review is gonna be a short one. All I will say is this: Marvel puts out product that meets their usual standards and then some, as expected, and are we sure Joss Whedon wasn't involved in the screenwriting of this movie? Like, at all? I mean, not that Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely can't pull off serious game-changers after Winter Soldier and Civil War, not that the Russo Brothers can't direct the hell out of said game-changing scripts with top-notch actors all over the place...but seriously, this is some Whedon-level soul-bombage. Okay, maybe it doesn't have to be Joss. Maybe Jed. Jed Whedon proved himself capable of searing our souls to ash with Agents of SHIELD Episode 4x15: "Self Control," the second-best episode in that show's history (only 5x01, "Orientation, Part 1," beats it out, and only by a narrow margin.) Sure, Agents of SHIELD is kept mostly separate from the larger MCU - though this Friday's episode does drop a tiny nugget of a hint about Infinity War when Daisy asks, "Have you seen what's happening in New York?" But I'm firmly convinced Markus and McFeely consulted with at least one Whedon on their script for this one, just from the way we get a metric ton of death, and even leaving a few emotional cracks in Thanos' armor in the process.

The ending, though.

Slow.

Goddamn.

TORTURE.

Especially when a certain someone says "I don't feel so good." You'll gasp when the first death happens in that scene, scream and swear at the screen at another, sit back numb for most of the rest of them...but one. ONE. Will make you cry all the ugly tears like Amazing Spider-Man 2 all over again.

Not to mention that one death when even Thanos cries.

And also the scene where one character literally begs for their own future death. I shit you not.

To Infinity War, I give an A grade - likely to be bumped up to an A+ once it's properly paired with next year's conclusion, which better set this house in order because there's no way all those deaths are going to stick.

This could NOT have been the only way.

Till next time, Pinecones...

#FeedTheRightWolf

Remember: Denis Leary is always watching. Always.

Why I Think Marvel Should Not Recast Spider-Man

This is what I found when I woke up and went to see IMDb this morning.

And right away, my reaction was roughly this - almost the same reaction I had upon reading the end of The Evolution of Mara Dyer:

It's a Community of Guardians echoing my sentiments.

Now, don't get me wrong - I'm all for Ol' Webhead getting the screentime he deserves. In a world where Fifty Shades can be made into a feature film, we need proof that the art of cinema is not dead. And in a world where we may have otherwise been sentenced to a four-year gap between TASM 2 and 3, it's a welcome sight, knowing that Marvel now intends to present the movie we're all waiting for a year earlier - and just in time for my birthday too. The last time Marvel released a movie on my birthday weekend, it was pure, unadulterated, amazeballs, awesome fun.

You said it, Rocket.

And I'm sure the new Marvel-Sony collaboration will be a cool one too. There's just one little problem - the star of the most recent reboot won't be in it.

#AwkwardPeterMoment

That, unfortunately, is what we seem to be looking at - a Spider-Man movie without Andrew Garfield.

Now, one of my best friends is a huge fan of the original Sam Raimi trilogy, the ones with Tobey Maguire as Spidey. She grew up with those movies - as did I - but she was much more profoundly affected by them than I was. She was very much dazzled by what she saw in Raimi's cool, stylish vision. And it helped that she had a crush on Tobey Maguire (still does, in fact). But she doesn't want to watch The Amazing Spider-Man, because she's afraid that by doing so, it'll interfere with her happy, nostalgic childhood memories.


This is just about how I feel, knowing that the next Spider-Man movie will be something different from the ones I fell in love with. For Raimi's trilogy, I thought of it this way: the first one was cheesy awesome.

Remixed 12 years later by Electro.

The second one, genuinely good. 

Erm...not quite.

The third...meh. It wasn't all-out bad like the world seems to think it is, but still, some of the creative directions were pretty misguided, to say the least.

Tobey Maguire's Peter Parker, flipping that emo hair since 2007.

Both Amazing Spider-Man movies, on the other hand, were my kind of movies. They struck the perfect balance between high action...

Send that Rhino back to the zoo!

...and high romance...

Facepalming with flowers.
One day, I'll be doing that for reals.

...and, of course, high humor.

"You know, you...got the mind...of a true scholar, sir.
See, see, I was goin' more for the guys who do the luge..."

(There's a reason why I've memorized that entire scene, people.) :)

That's the balance I try to reach in my own stories, because I know I'm not the only one who finds the greatest entertainment that way. And that's the reason why, if and when I publish Red Rain, there's gonna be a big long paragraph in the Acknowledgments (you should see me type that word one painful letter at a time, just trying to make sure I get it right) section offering a massive shout-out and thank you to all those who made The Amazing Spider-Man movies possible - especially the second one, because I saw it in theaters when I was first writing Red Rain and immediately sought to put in as many references to it as possible. The Amazing Spider-Man series is my perfect kind of movie, and the biggest influence on my writing by far.

And you know why it works so well for me? Because everyone involved has amazing talent for an amazing movie. Especially the cast - they all delivered excellent performances. Especially-especially Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone - the fact that they got together off-screen as well as on, that speaks volumes about their chemistry right there.

You know how the saying goes - "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Well, Sony and Marvel, contrary to what the general public seemed to think if the internet was anything to go by, nothing was "broke" about The Amazing Spider-Man. It was perfectly fine the way it was. Think about it - if the movie truly was as bad as the internet said, would an entire theater full of people, myself and my friend included, break out in applause for it when it ended? Would I be provided a reason to paraphrase Quentin Tarantino re: The Lone Ranger and think, "Wait, this is the movie everyone says is crap? Seriously?"

Long story short - Marvel, I trust you will do Spider-Man justice in the new movie. But for God's sake, don't change the cast. I know I'm not the only one who would be supremely unhappy if you did.

Remember: Denis Leary is always watching. Always.