Friday, February 12, 2016

Deadpool: Rebel, Romantic, Rule-Breaker


Wait...why am I looking so sad? Dammit, Ricky, find a happier GIF!

Oh, sorry, DP. I'm just trying to color-code our lines and use Google Images here. You know, most of these GIFs aren't even real GIFs? They don't even move, for Pete's sake!


Oh. I see what you mean. GODDAMMIT INTERNET!

Okay. Let's try to get to business here...


Um. Dude. What?

Fuck yeah, finally! An actual GIF, of a line I didn't even get to say in the movie!

Shit, language!

I could do this all fucking day.
And I think I will!

Really now?

So juvenile.

Lemme ask you something, Ricks - why Loki? I thought you hated his guts!

Only when Sierra Daniels isn't writing him. And since when does anyone call me-

Besides, you're not as adorable as Hiddleston. You're Garfield-level adorable. Still respectable, but not a perfect ten, more like an eight-point-five. Isn't that why he's all over all your online profiles? Hashtag #ManCrush, and it's not even Monday!

Dude, I'm trying to review your movie here, so-

Oh look at me, Ricky, I'm dancing with your idol!

He's not enjoying it too much at the end, is he?

Well, the classic Deadpool charm is a little too much to handle for first-timers. Especially when said first-timer's a virgin. I promise, I'll be gentle with him. And you can have him too, after I'm done checking out that-

*sticks fingers in ears* LalalalalalalalaIdon'twannaknow!

I haven't even said the best part yet - we were dancing to some of the finest Canadian music ever made: "Roll The Bones!"

Surprised it wasn't "We Exist."

That's good too, but Garfy only needed to do that once and then never again. It was in his contract.

You realize this isn't really you, right? And that other guy isn't really Spider-Man, nor is he Andrew Garfield?

A guy can dream, can't he?

I'm gonna review this movie now, so I'll have to pull out my secret weapon-

*rubs hands together* Ooh, getting dirty, are we? Just so we're clear, Ricky - my safe word is "pork and beans."

I'm not gonna Tyrell your Baratheon, if that's what you're implying.

Thanks for not invoking Fifty Shades there, buddy. What a piece of shit - Vanessa and I saw it once, then burned the DVD. Literally. And it wasn't even ours to burn either - it was a fucking library copy. You want libraries to stay open, right? Well, not if they keep stockpiling trash like that-

That's it. Secret. Weapon. Now.

Nice to meet you, Wade.

WHAT IN THE ASS? Origins: Wolverine footage? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GO THERE?
*stalks off into corner and crosses his arms, looking pissed beyond pissed*


Hmph. I told you, you're not that adorable. Stop Hiddleston-ing. Your cheekbones and jawline aren't defined enough.

A fact of which I'm painfully aware, thank you very much.

There. Now...peace.

If I just say your movie was an absolutely amazing A+, will you please stop hijacking my blog post?

You really mean it?

Duh. With all the Vanessa/Wade (Wadessa?) sweetness, and all the big bada-boom action-

Oh fuck yes. Between this and the Maze Runner movies, Fox sure knows how to make stunning blockbuster visuals on mid-eight-digit budgets, amirite or amirite?

-and the-

BT-dubs, I think "Vade" makes a better ship name. Just F-why-I.

-and the laughs. Oh dear God, the laughs. I shall spoil NONE of them.

That's a good boy. A+? Oh my God, really? You're not just throwing that around lightly?

I can barely throw anything around, lightly or otherwise.

Good point. *fist-pumps* Oh my God, I could kiss you right now!

Oh really?

*lifts mask* Bring it on, turkey lips.

*shrugs* Fine. But not on my lips, mmmkay? I'm still waiting to have my first, and-

Oh, I get it. You want it to be special and all that. *fake-coughs* Virgin! *normal voice* But 'cause it's Hearts Day-

You mean Singles Appreciation Day?

Jesus, you really are some kind of special snowflake millennial, aren't you?

Just give me that kiss already. You're so clearly itching to.

What makes you say that?

My point exactly. Okay, let's get this over with.

Gladly, my good sir.

Hee hee. I know you're not really wearing the costume,
but you're wearing Pete's civilian threads as we speak, so...

And here I thought there would never be Spideypool in my search history.

There's a first time for everything. *hums "Smooth Operator" as it plays on Ricky's iPod*

Okay, Pinecones, if you're of age (and I'll define that as 16 or more, 17 if you're especially immature and your parents held you back all your life), then WTF are you waiting for? Watch Deadpool already, and prepare for amazeballsness in every frame.

Till next time...

Remember: Denis Leary is always watching. Always.

Is he gone? Okay, good. I just wanted to leave my own signature. No, no, don't start running for your mommies and daddies, it's totally NOT NSFW. I promise.

Like Ricky, this kid's really goin' places.

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