One, The Loneliest Number

Last week, I made the huge, huge mistake of telling a girl I liked her, and she said she was seeing someone else. Embarrassing as hell for both of us. It'll have been a week since that embarrassment tomorrow, Tuesday, and the more I think about it, the more I realize it's just part of an ongoing, increasingly unhappy pattern.

Unfortunately, largely thanks to my parents keeping me back and discouraging me from socializing and/or dating from my teenage years onward (not to mention me being stupid enough to parrot their values, which made me further ostracized because their largely religion-based conservatism is incompatible with Bay Area society in general), I've literally been single all my life. I've never had a girlfriend. I've never even kissed a girl.

So what the hell am I doing writing what that little boy from The Princess Bride would call "kissing books?" Wish fulfillment, partly, along with my heavy use of flight and super speed motifs to represent the freedom I crave. (I promise, though, some of the deadlier stuff that happens in Red Rain, etc. is NOT wish fulfillment. More like a reflection of how I think my parents would treat me getting into relationships in real life.)

As it happens, that girl I tried to ask out (let's code-name her LA - it's where she comes from) bears a certain resemblance to Fionna Lee. Not only are they both half-Asian, but Fionna and LA have similar fashion sense, similar builds, and most importantly, similar personalities. They both have a certain fiery spunk, but can also be quite shy and reserved when they want to be. Of course, the resemblance was totally coincidental - I started writing Fionna almost three years before meeting LA - but it was enough that I actually attempted to use it as a flirting tool.

Yeah, look how well that turned out.

This has simply proven to be the latest, and worst, in a string of heartbreaks for me. Heartbreaks before I've even had a relationship - how fucked up is that?

My main problem is, again, my parents, who not only don't seem to want me dating, but also think I should meet a woman the way they themselves met. Dad made a friend or two, they set him up on a date with the woman who would be my mom, and the rest is history. I've told them countless times that even in my inexperience, I know dating today just doesn't work that way. For proof, I could call up all the times I've so much as attempted to make enough of a friendship with a girl that I could eventually ask her out and call her my girlfriend.

There are way too many of those, so I'll just go with my most recent experiences over the last year or so.

Winter 2016. Met a girl in my Graphic Novel class. Not only did she have great taste in just about everything (other than music - she liked Taylor Swift but not Coldplay, and I'm just the opposite, but I thought we could have potentially made it work), but she was, like me, a lapsed Catholic. Of course, I soon discovered she had a boyfriend. (But hey, she at least got me to listen to the complete Book of Mormon soundtrack. Too fucking funny!)

Spring 2016. Met a girl in my Shakespeare class. You might remember I wrote a poem about her - "Lady Smith." This girl, she was into Attack on Titan, to the point where I went and got a copy of the first book at the library and made it a point of reading it in front of her. I soon found out she had a boyfriend - to whom she's since become engaged. (And after a while, I stopped reading Attack on Titan too.)

Summer 2016. Long and lonely. Didn't get to go out and meet anyone.

Fall 2016...well, that was LA. From her, I'm moving on, slowly but surely. But with a full week of classes left this quarter, it's gonna be awkward af, especially if neither of us addresses the elephant in the room.

It's clear now. I absolutely, positively, undeniably suck at getting the girl. I not only consider it a sign of my ongoing immaturity, because I feel stuck at 17 mentally for so many reasons, but I also feel very bad about the fact that I often find myself wanting to date women just to say I've got a girlfriend, a Netflix viewing partner, a lover...hell, even a one-night stand. I ought to know better than that last one - I've got at least one online peep who speaks from experience when saying that's for no - but I'm also a very thirsty geekboy, desperate to feel like an adult for once in his life.

Again, I'm going back to the "blame my parents" well. Sure, I'm a socially awkward young man, being mildly autistic and all, so my undateability is somewhat on me too. But to my perception, my parents are also quite culpable, because they would have my hyperlexia define me. They've long used it as an excuse to hold me back socially and stunt my emotional growth. I've said before that they want me to be more of a Tobey Maguire Spider-Man than the Andrew Garfield Spider-Man I know I should be, but sometimes, I think they want worse. I think they would have me die alone and depressed, rather than spread my "defective" genes to the next generation. A bit of subtle eugenics that I don't think they're above, frankly. They've made it clear to me that they don't care enough about my mental or emotional health - probably thinking that my disorder makes me a psychological write-off. Why change now?

Okay, now I'm getting into territory I don't really care to tread. My point is, I need to step up my game if I'm ever to so much as date a woman, let alone eventually marry her or have kids with her. I can't just rely on meeting a woman with whom I click well in class, or perhaps at work, or anywhere in the narrow circle I get to exist in on the real-world, terrestrial plane. I can never find a single woman willing to date me this way, so I'll have to turn to the internet, somehow. Whether it's by a dating app, or if I someday wind up together with another writer I've met on Twitter or Wattpad or whatever, who knows?

Honestly, I'm sick of feeling so constantly, crushingly lonely. I play it too safe, and I want out of my claustrophobic shell. (Preferably on a route that takes me to Vancouver - outside this increasingly gone-to-shit country, and where I can potentially work as a TV writer. The Flash better still be in production three, five, even ten years from now!)

For now, I'm just a speedster boy, waiting for his Supergirl.

Till next time, Pinecones...

#FeedTheRightWolf

Remember - Denis Leary is always watching. Always.

The Flash: Dude Tears And Speed Force Feels

***SPOILER ALERT***

The Flash is my favorite show on TV because it knows how to balance all the best parts of all the best fiction - thrills, laughs, and feels. This week's powerful episode, "The Runaway Dinosaur," was no exception - because it provided us with proof positive, once again, that when Grant Gustin cries, angels' wings shrivel all across the universe.

Also, his tears are highly contagious.
The CDC's got a warning out.

Before last night, my favorite Flash episode was 1x15, "Out of Time," because of its intense final five minutes - which proved to be an absolute game-changer. (It helped that, at the time, I'd not read any of the comics, and was thus genuinely surprised when Barry suddenly gained the ability to travel through time through the use of his speed.)

Who else remembers screaming their heads off when this one ended?

My new favorite, however, is last night's episode - 2x21, "The Runaway Dinosaur." Whereas "Out of Time" benefited from a strong surge of action, this episode benefited instead from a surfeit of emotion, best summed up by this here "Out of Time" meme:

At least this time, Harry was only indirectly responsible for said feels.

Kevin Smith directed this episode with so many metric tons of awesome, it wasn't even funny. Oh wait, it's Kevin Smith, so of course it often was. And those funny scenes were typically paired with those of the highest action - like, when Cisco discovered that the latest particle accelerator explosion, in addition to sweeping Barry into the Speed Force and knocking Wally and Jesse out cold, managed to revive the long-dead Girder as well. Cisco's reaction just said it all: "A zombie? For real?!"

But the real magnificence of this episode lies in the scenes where Barry deals with being stuck in the Speed Force. This all-powerful, all-mysterious entity takes on multiple human avatars throughout the show, each one representing a member of Barry's family. The first two are his West family - Joe and Iris, each being, respectively, the Speed Force's trippy wise man side and the frustrating, clue-dropping side. Then we get his Allen family - his father coming across as hurtful and judgmental and just being the anti-Henry, trying to make Barry really feel his pain by showing him his mother's grave.

Speed Force, why do you make us feel these things?

But while this phony Henry's encounters with Barry are devastating, they're nothing on when the Speed Force takes on the appearance of Nora Allen. A huge part of why we the fans are so attached to Barry is because he spent much of Season 1 trying to avenge his mother's death - and, once he discovered time travel, considering the possibility that he could save her life. The universe seems pretty bound and determined to prevent that from ever happening, however, but we can always hope and pray. And, in the meantime, every single time Barry meets his mom again, Grant Gustin and Michelle Harrison slay with their performances. But never more than last night. Who knows how much of those heart-melting words of encouragement were the Speed Force and how much were Nora Allen's immortal soul? I'd like to believe that the Speed Force started out talking to him, but then when they read the old "Runaway Dinosaur" picture book together (and Barry recited huge chunks of it from memory!), that was when Nora herself took over.

And this was when my heart fractured beyond repair.

When they first announced Kevin Smith was directing a Flash episode a few months back, it didn't take long for my favorite fanart master, Lord Mesa, to sketch a drawing of Barry and Cisco reacting to Smith crying. At first, it seemed like just another reference to Smith's legendary visit to the Star Wars set. But after seeing this episode, I'm forced to conclude that Lord Mesa is the most remarkably prescient fan around, because there is absolutely no way Smith could direct this episode without breaking down. 

I'd like to imagine Barry was by my side during my viewing,
holding out a box of tissues for me too.

Unless you're not attached to these characters, or you're a big old creepy-ass psychopath like Zoom, you will not make it through this episode without crying your eyes out, and that is a promise. These are the most Amazing Spider-Man, most Big Hero 6-level weapons-grade feels in Flash history. The joke among the fandom right now must be, "No, you're the one crying!" But me, I won't even attempt to deny it - I got a terrible, ugly case of broken dude tears. I'm still choking up as I type this, reliving the episode with every image search I make for "The Runaway Dinosaur." After three episodes of painfully powerless Barry, seeing him wreck his heart to get his speed back was the therapy we all needed. As someone who feels a distinct lack of freedom in his life, speed is one of the powers that most appeals to me (that and flight, the predominant superhero ability in my writing.) And, just as it hurts me deeply when I see flight-enabled people de-powered (just look at the scene where Angelina Jolie's Maleficent wakes up wingless), normalized Barry was an agonizing fallen angel to watch.

Two more episodes remain this season, and I really can't wait to see how they finally bring this Zoom storyline to a much-needed close. This season has already reached its emotional peak, I'm sure. Action peak, maybe not so much. But there will never be feels like this again - at least, until next year and some other major tragedy befalls our favorite speedster.

Sorry, Quicksilver. You didn't see that coming? XD

Till next time, Pinecones...

#FeedTheRightWolf

Remember - Denis Leary is always watching. Always.

Starling City Storm: A Sweet Little Splash Moment

I went into the writing of my second Spidey & Speedy fanfic piece, Starling City Storm, thinking it would be a great idea to ship the speedster with the Arrowverse's real Speedy herself, Thea Queen. I even made up my own ship name for it: Speedy + Flash = Splash. Catchy, huh? Well, nobody in the Arrowverse fandom seems to think so...yet. I dare you to read the following words and think they don't belong together, at least not in this alternate universe. :)


“Barry, could you help me out here?” Ollie calls me from down the hall, and I slide off the couch to go meet him.

“What’s up?” I ask.

He gestures to his bedroom door, which is closed - and locked, as he shows me when he tries in vain to open it. “Thea’s spent the last twenty minutes holed up in here, and I’m getting worried,” I say. “But because she’ll never trust me again if I come bursting in…”

“Oh, so you want me to be the bad guy?”

Ollie winks. “Not necessarily. I’m sure she’ll open up to you more than she would with me.”

“I heard that!” Thea cries from behind the door.

I look at Ollie questioningly. “You sure this is a good idea?”

“Hey, don’t raise your eyebrows at me,” Ollie laughs. “Eagles like to perch on those things.”

I laugh along with him, but then the good humor vanishes, sucked down a metaphorical drain, as I approach the door and knock gently. “Thea? Can I come in? Please?”

There’s a gap of about two seconds before she answers. “Being polite helps. Okay, Barry. But only you, all right?”

“Yeah, of course.”

I wait for her to unlock the door from inside, then I run through it before Ollie can follow me across the threshold. Thea’s waiting on the other side, and she’s quick - though not metahumanly so - to lock the door all over again.

“I can see why you wouldn’t want Ollie to come in,” I say.

Reflexively, Thea covers her chest with her hands, though it does nothing for her bare midriff. The only thing she’s wearing above the waist is a sports bra. I try not to get distracted by that particular sight - which, of course, is harder than it sounds. Especially because what I want to focus on instead is dangerously close to her undergarments.

“Is that from today?” I ask, pointing at the bruises lining her ribs.

“‘Fraid so.” Thea sits on the edge of Ollie’s bed, pulls her shirt on, and sighs, dropping her head into her hands.

“Speaking of today,” I ask as today’s latest Salish Dam incident comes back to mind, “what happened to you?”

Thea points at her side. “You just saw what happened,” she says.

“That’s not what I mean,” I say, dialing up the firmness of my voice the way Joe does when he’s trying to have a heart-to-heart with me. “Um...well, how do I put this? You were, uh, a little bit of a wild child on the battlefield.”

“Understatement of the year,” she scoffs. “It’s something I’ve had to deal with for a while, and you were just unlucky enough to witness it today.”

“What exactly is it?” I ask. “Don’t hold back, okay? If something’s bothering you-”

Thea looks up at me and holds up her hand, cutting me off. “If Ollie sent you in here to get me to spill the beans to him-”

“This is between us,” I say. Huh - who would’ve thought that twice in less than 24 hours, I’d be acting as a therapist for my fellow heroes? I can see the sign on my office door now - “Barry Allen, M.D., Meta.Psy.D, Pnk.Fl.D, BAMF.”

“Promise?”

I nod.

“Okay.” Thea tucks her hair behind her ears and talks. “I’m not gonna bore you with all the details, but...let’s just say I wound up in the Lazarus Pit, and I think I might’ve come back wrong. And...and I think it might be ‘cause I’m Malcolm’s daughter.”

This is a new one on me, especially the latter confession. “You’re…?”

“What, Ollie didn’t tell you?” Thea laughs bitterly. “That’s okay. He must’ve finally figured out that it’s my responsibility, and only mine, to come out as a villain’s flesh and blood. Yeah, Ollie and I are only half-siblings. He’s the lucky one, though, being all of zero percent Merlyn.”

“Well, I know Malcolm’s an odd duck,” I say, “and he’s done some...shall we say, misguided things-”

Thea interrupts me again. “I didn’t ask you in here for a pity party,” she says. “I just needed to confess to someone.” Her lip trembles, and she draws herself into a stiff, guarded stance, like a turtle about to retreat into its shell.

“Hey.” I take her hand, even though I’m only...maybe 38% sure she won’t bite mine off. “Whatever your issues are, you shouldn’t just hold them back.”

“Maybe I should,” she says, tears forming in her eyes. “I’m easily provoked into a homicidal rage these days. Malcolm loves that about me-”

“Of course-”

“But nobody else does.”

I take her other hand, and on both of hers, I gently press my thumbs into her knuckles. Okay, maybe it’s a little soon to get this close with her, but she needs some affection and encouragement, and as long as I’m here… “I can’t tell you how to keep a lid on your emotions,” I say, “because I’m lousy at it myself. But…” I swallow, then reach up to wipe the tears from her face. “You said you went into the Lazarus Pit and that’s when this all started? Then I suggest you talk to Constantine. He might know a way to help you.”

She laughs weakly. “What if I don’t wanna give up my dark side?”

“You work with the Arrow,” I remind her. “I’d be surprised if you did.”

Seized by a sudden urge, I lean forward and kiss Thea’s cheek. In response, she embraces me tightly and whispers into my ear, “Thanks, Barry.”

“Don’t mention it,” I say, returning the hug and stroking her hair.

She takes a tissue to her eyes to dry them better, then opens the door and says, “You can have the bathroom if you want, Ollie!"

“Wasn’t waiting for it!” he calls after her as she disappears down the hall.

As I get off the bed and make my way to the door, Ollie sticks his arm into my path to stop me. “So...by any chance does your super-speed also kick in when you’re in bed?”

I fall over laughing.

“Yeah, I thought not,” Ollie says when he’s had his fair share of laughter at his own joke. “But if it did...I might just have to disavow all knowledge of your existence.”

“‘Barry Allen, you have failed this girl?’” I say.

“And I’ll definitely disavow you if you bastardize my old catchphrase like that again,” Ollie laughs. “Wasn’t even funny, man.”

I shake my head. “No, no, definitely not.” However, I can’t help but keep on half-smiling as my brain continues to process Ollie’s blue humor.

Arrow's Most Diabolical Cliffhanger Yet

***SPOILER ALERT***

"Come, they told me, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
A newborn king to see, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum..."
- "The Little Drummer Boy"

*sigh* Well, my loyal Pinecones, I'll just let Stephen Amell speak for me re: the above song.

Don't think I'll be listening to Little Drummer Boy anytime soon. #Arrow

— Stephen Amell (@amellywood) December 10, 2015

Yeah, after they used it as the soundtrack to Felicity getting shot last night, I'm gonna change the station every time I hear this song. Even the excellent Harry Connick, Jr. and Kenny G versions.

In this more enlightened era, there are so many amazing female characters on TV. Chief among them, I think, are the sestras of Orphan Black's Clone Club, Agent Carter herself, Joan Watson, Sameen Shaw, Daisy Johnson, Allison Argent (RIP), Kara Danvers, Daenerys Targaryen, and Clarke Griffin.

But let's not forget my favorite of them all.

Oh, how I wish.

Whenever TV writers see fit to kill off a character, they should also figure in whether or not it's really necessary to disrupt the dynamics of the show so severely. Often, I find that a show is in such a state of equilibrium, character-wise, that adding or subtracting any characters will irrevocably disrupt the show's vibe. Sure, maybe they'll set things right eventually, in their own way (as NCIS did when Ellie Bishop joined the show after Ziva David left), but it won't quite be the same.

But what happens when the subtraction of a character is done in the most disastrous, devastating way possible?

A rough representation of me at midnight last night.

That's the possibility we're looking at with the eventual resolution of this latest Arrow cliffhanger. The possibility that Felicity did not survive being shot by Damien Darhk's Ghosts (and while we're on the subject of Darhk, who else suffers from a near-permanent inability to spell his name right?)

Hail Hydra...oh wait, wrong show. XD

There are so many reasons why I want nothing more than to jump ahead to next month and see the next episode end with Felicity still alive like nature intended. One, the fact that it's gonna be torturous, the wait till the next Arrow-sode. Perhaps even more so than after last year's midseason cliffhanger - which, let's face it, everyone knew there was no way Ollie was gonna die, because the show called Arrow can't survive without its title character. Never mind that someone else, like Diggle or Thea or Roy, could have possibly taken up his mantle...but still, such a long wait.

I think she might have a bit of Sheldon Cooper Syndrome. But not in a bad way. :)

But with Felicity, she's not at all replaceable. I firmly believe she's the heart and soul of Arrow. Everyone who's a good guy loves her - none more so than Ollie, of course. And why not? She's the brainiest, sassiest, loveliest omelet-failer in all of Star City. Seriously, who else remembers this scene? It's my single favorite Arrow moment ever, and for good reason:

This, people. This is heart and soul right here. *starts humming that old Huey Lewis song* Now, the producers have told us that after last season of Arrow got so dark and depressing, they were gonna take things back a few notches, so the show's tone could be a closer match to its more successful (and just plain awesomer, IMHO) Central City counterpart, The Flash. Not to mention Supergirl - despite the fact that it's "officially" not in the Arrowverse, I eagerly await the day when CBS and the CW announce a four-night crossover - Monday to Thursday, Supergirl to Legends of Tomorrow. So, if this is really what they're going for, it's working so far. Why in the biohazardous material would the writers and producers undo all the good they've done by killing off Felicity? She's such an integral part of the show that the only way they could keep it going after that is to focus for a very long time on Ollie (among the rest of Team Arrow) getting much-needed vengeance. And then what? The hole Felicity will have left behind won't be filled easily, if at all.

Dude, don't ask questions you don't wanna know the answers to.

Every show peaks eventually. Arrow, don't let this be yours. If she dies, we riot. Instead, #SaveFelicitySmoak, and keep on building your potential. And when you do, I'll be there to support you by watching every Wednesday in the highest of spirits.

Also the best Arrow moment ever - Constantine's much-needed guest appearance.

Till next time, Pinecones...

#FeedTheRightWolf

Remember: Denis Leary is always watching. Always.