Deadpool 2: A Filthy, Foul-Mouthed Family

***WARNING: NO SPOILERS FOR DEADPOOL 2, BUT NSFW LANGUAGE ABOUNDS. IT'S DEADPOOL, AFTER ALL.***

So, Ricks, it's been two years and some since we last talked. In that time, you've expanded your four-part fantasy series to seven books - holy Harry Potter, Batman! - and come out of the closet - bully for you, my brave bi boi! 💗💜💙

Thanks, DP. Well, my family doesn't know yet, but that's because they're phobic as hell.

Fuckin' A. I know that feel. Imagine how my dirty douchebag daddy would react when he found out he'd shot up sperm to make a pan boi like me.

Your dad's all but dead to you, though, isn't he?

For that and many other reasons. But back on subject, my dude. You've made some accomplishments in life - you've even got a job hand-selling books at a prestigious institution of higher learning now, and I understand you've sold some of my shit while you're at it.

Helps that for this one in particular, I've got a real-life bromance now. Even if he's hundreds of miles away.

Ohhhhh, I know which bro you're talking about. ;) Honestly, sincerely, I hope you get to meet him someday. That'll be a nice summer break for you, you know?

It would.

But there's one thing I still need to ask you, something very fucking important...

I'm not marrying you, man, no matter how cute and perky your ass is.

Maybe it is. But yours too, am I right? *reaches around to grab mine*

*slide away because he didn't fucking ask any more than he asked Colossus in the movie*

Hey, wait, I thought you said no spoilers.

That's hardly a spoiler. Not like when-

*covers my mouth*

*bite his hand* -lake-

*covers my mouth again*

*bite his hand again* -wilder-

*covers my mouth again* You know I can fucking heal, right? Biting my hand only turns me on, you cocksucking little-

*put my middle finger into his eyehole, forgetting I haven't trimmed my nails in forever*

GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! Dick move, Rickenstein!

You want a real dick move? *grab for his balls*

*swats my hand away* Nuh-uh! You stay back till you've learned to handle another man's junk like it's your own!

Great. Now you're just quoting my manuscript.

You're goddamn right I am. I'm a fanboy, I'll speak in Ricky quotes as fluently as the next one. Oh, here's another one: "So, uh, who tops first? You top first, I top first?" Brilliant Poe Dameron reference on that one. I can see why you've used it twice. And to answer that question, you top first.

Oh really? Well, that's awful sweet of you.

But I'm the top around here. I'm only doing you a solid 'cause you're still a virgin. Which finally brings me back to my point. How in the motherfucking everloving shitballs are you still a virgin? At your age?

Jesus Christ. I knew you'd go there. And after all your Château de Virgin jokes in the movie too.

But that's all they are, though. Jokes. I'm a literal motherfucking joke machine. That's my real superpower. Even those stupid bloody power-dampener collars - ain't no safe word when they put those on you, just sayin' - they can't stop my motor mouth. And believe me, I may crack a bunch of virgin jokes, but we all know one thing - there ain't nobody in Xavier's place still a virgin above a certain age.

'Cept me, if I go there, ever.

Nah, I'll move you over to the Avengers' place. Black Widow would sleep with you and stick a needle in your neck-

You're very tempting me. I'm not kidding.

Whereas Thor, he'd be a cuddle monster and tell you all these hilarious-ass stories about the old country. I speak from experience on this. ;)

I do love a Hemsworth. And cuddling.

Thunder-Arms gives the best cuddles this side of Vanessa, trust me.

Another line of mine you're pilfering? And a deep cut from my fanfics, too.

Cute of you to notice. All honesty, though? You being a virgin doesn't make you less of a human. It actually makes you more, mostly 'cause it may or may not have turned you into a writing wizard. *takes my hands* That said, Ricky Pinecone...you still need to get fucking laid.

In my own time.

*pats my cheek* Thatsaboi.

Now I feel less like a tool for telling you to leave so I can get to the meat of this review-

You mean the part where you award it an A+ and compliment all the broad-spectrum feels and unexpectedly complex characters? *holds up pics of Cable and Russell, especially*

Actually, I'm giving it an A just because a few of those twists rubbed me the wrong way. Like, they didn't gel with the general tone of the movie as well as they should have-

Come on. You've played a few of those same twists yourself.

In new and inventive ways that feel less...one-sided.

*shrugs* Point.

And yes, a lot of characters are unexpectedly complex. And then there are some that just don't get the screentime they deserve-

Peter, amirite? Only 'cause the script originally called for your sweet little Patronus, but Holland was busy on Titan and Garfield was busy shooting some pretentious-ass pseudo-Hitchcock thing where he wanted to fuck this girl that looked like his old girl-

Took the words right out of my mouth.

*holds up notecard* Want 'em back? I'll season 'em with curry first!

That's okay, I'm trying to take up more protein than fiber in my diet.

As you wish.

But you know who deserves her own solo movie? Domino. Because she's got the best superpower in the whole damn X-Force-

Mmm...I suppose...

And even better, the way they write it! She may have a lot of luck, but lucky twists that happen in the moment, they can still have..."unfortunate" consequences down the line.

Well...that's not lazy writing.

See? You're warming up to her yet.

Of course I am. She's awe and some and I'll be happy to get a glorified cameo in her own movie. I'll be her luck for a moment, play bump-ass with a car door before she motorbikes by, or something like that.

I like the way you think, Wadey. That's why you get an A from me.

And that's why I love you the most of any of my fans, Ricky. *pulls mask up and waits for me to kiss him, which I do*

I'll leave it up to y'all to decide who's the Garfield and who's the Stone here.

Of course I'm Emma. Nobody else can be Andy Russell like you, brother. Oh hey, can I say the last part of your goodbye this time?

Sure thing, man. Till next time, Pinecones...

#FeedTheRightWolf

Remember: Denis Leary is always watching. Always.

Review: The Flash: Johnny Quick

The Flash: Johnny Quick by Barry Lyga
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I loved the first Flash adventure Barry Lyga wrote, Hocus Pocus, because of how much Lyga gave us better characters than their equivalents on the CW TV series. Here, in Johnny Quick, Lyga not only writes these characters super-well, but also gives us an even more thrilling story very much worthy of the TV series at its best: loaded with action and Fringe-grade multiverse-hopping, tons of favorite characters making little appearances (I especially loved Captain Cold getting some time in the spotlight, since he's long been a fave of mine on the strength of Wentworth Miller's range alone), and not letting the whole Hocus Pocus storyline hang by itself - it's pretty clear here that we're in for a tightly plotted trilogy to conclude with one more book. And my personal favorite bit - the fact that instead of corny WestAllen scenes dragging me out of the moment, Barry and Iris both get to kick ass and take names as best they can, he as a speedster and she as a journalist. H.R. and Joe and Cait and Wally are also very much tons of fun - especially Wally, of course. And while Cisco's a little brought down by his attempts to quit caffeine giving him a bit of a downer attitude, I'm happy to see Lyga shaking things up a bit here.

One more book in the trilogy, which I cannot wait to read...and in the meantime, there's still Jo Whittemore's Supergirl: Curse of the Ancients for me to pick up eventually.

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Review: Fawkes

Fawkes by Nadine Brandes
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

More of a 3.5, this ARC, but I'll give it a nice, generous 4. It's a little hard to follow this book sometimes because of the weird color-based magic system, which feels a lot like Jasper Fforde's Shades of Grey but even more enigmatic, and with no plans for sequels (not that Fforde's much better in that regard, since he's pretty well stalled out on all his series), it's a little maddening that there's not much explanation for the mechanics of the magic. But there's enough explanation, and enough political subtext - borrowing not only from the Catholic vs. Protestant fighting of 1600s England, but eerily reflecting today's left-right split as well - that the book still works, and works very well, especially when we're given a semi-anti-hero as desperate as Thomas Fawkes. Desperate, but also willing to consider other solutions than what he's been told and taught.

For sure, I'll be taking a peek at other books by Nadine Brandes - as soon as I can find them!

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Review: Lost Crow Conspiracy

Lost Crow Conspiracy by Rosalyn Eves
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Like its predecessor, Lost Crow Conspiracy doesn't hold up very well on the first read. Maybe at some point I'll pick it up a second time and appreciate it better, but for now, this one's getting a measly two stars from me. It's a very strange mixed bag, really. The social commentary game is stronger than ever, especially now that there's another oppressed group in the mix, members of which really want to turn the tables on their oppressors and get their own back. But the story itself is long and aimless, and it's surprisingly easy to forget which of the two POV's I'm in at any given time. Or, more importantly, what point in the timeline I'm at in my reading. So maybe I'll pick this one up a second time, probably closer to when Book 3 comes out to close the trilogy. But until then, I'm not really in a hurry to ensure they start carrying this one at the bookstore.

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Review: War Storm

War Storm by Victoria Aveyard
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Rise, red as the dawn.

I've finally finished Aveyard's fourth and final Red Queen tale, which I expected to be an epic, electric bloodbath.

Maybe it wasn't a bloodbath per se, but it was still quite epic and electric, once again validating my status as a passenger on the Aveyardian Hype Train.



Yeah, that Amazing Spider-Man 2-level electric. You read it here first, Pinecones.

Up till now, Iron Gold and the Talon Saga held the record for the most first-person POVs I saw in one book - four in each case, especially in the Talon sequels. Aveyard, for her 600-plus-page opus, here gives us no less than five - 5! - POV characters in first person, unexpected and unprecedented to the best of my knowledge. (And then, not to be outdone, my buddy Koda came along today and told me he had plans for as many as six POVs in his own novel. But that's neither here nor there.) I'm actually a little disappointed that Cameron doesn't get to reprise her POV status after King's Cage, and especially disappointed that one of the five POV characters is Maven, the one character still around up to this point whom I despise more than any other.

But you know what? Some of the other POV characters give him a run for his money in dislikability sometimes. I'm looking at Evangeline, especially, because of her unrelentingly snobby attitude towards the Reds. And then there's Iris and Mare, who, while both grounded in sympathy and family love and devotion to their causes, both have a tendency to rub me the wrong way here. I was actually happy, though, that we got one POV character I could totally, 100% get behind - Cal, of course. Hell, I almost want to call Cal the hero of this book, if only because the real protagonist, Mare, is much more of an anti-hero at this point. Not that she's evil, but her unwillingness to allow Cal to take the Nortan throne, her insistence on abolishing the monarchy entirely rather than trusting that a good man can rule well...it reminded me a lot of Jess in Buried Heart, especially.

The old arc words of the earlier books, "Anyone can betray anyone," rear their ugly heads but good in this final book. Like its predecessor, it's very heavy on the politicking, particularly as the Scarlet Guard tries to fully rally Montfort to its cause - and, of course, continue to pit all the Silver monarchs and lords against each other. Montfort represents an ideal, a constitutional democracy where everyone gets to have a say and truth, justice, and the American way aren't dead yet. But then, even Montfort has skeletons in its closet - they're not above kidnapping and holding royal children for ransom. So, more than ever, pretty much all the lands carved out of the North American continent of this future all represent different sides of America today - good and bad everywhere, it all depends on which you boost up and practice.

Like I said, this book isn't much of a bloodbath. As much as I enjoyed such infamously deadly finales as Deathly Hallows, Mockingjay, and Allegiant, here Aveyard gives us a far more hopeful ending, and yet a far sadder one too because it's quite open to interpretation what will happen going forward. I will say this much, though - the most prominent death was exactly what the doctor ordered, especially since without it, the open ending wouldn't have that perfect, arachnid-worthy balance of hope and tension.

As a last observation, I'm again very happy to see that Aveyard makes it a point of creating one of the most diverse and inclusive casts in YA. It's another sign of how much the second half of the series showcases her growth and maturity as a writer. Not only because we get to see so much more of her world and its inner workings, but because she takes such care to show that Red, Silver, or New (or Ardent, as the Montfortians call them), there's still a wide variety of skin colors and ethnicities and sexualities among all the people. Hell, it's really great to see how Montfort has an openly gay and happily married head of state, and we first know this while in Evangeline's POV no less, to show her starting to realize that she doesn't need to allow the homophobia dominant in Silver courts to force her into a life she can't abide. And with the extremely diverse cast all dressed in an extremely wide variety of colorful uniforms, it's hard not to look at this book, in particular, and think Aveyard wasn't influenced by Into the Badlands.

I have no idea what Aveyard plans to gift us with next, but of course I'm going to read it no matter what, because I'm still not getting off this hype train anytime soon.

For now, to the world of Red Queen, I say ave atque vale, and of course...

Rise, red as the dawn.

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Review: The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily

The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily by Laura Creedle
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

A neurodivergent YA romance with autistic and #ownvoices ADHD rep? Sign me up. And though I picked this one up a lot later than I should have, I'm glad I eventually did all the same.

Okay, so my feelings about this book are a tad bit mixed, and a lot of that owes to how the book diverges from my own neurodivergent #ownvoices experience. Especially on the autistic side, because Abelard doesn't quite match me as an autistic guy - he's got more sensory processing issues than I do, for one thing - but his being much more eloquent in text than voice, that's a match to me. And his annoyance with people not being on time, which, sadly, I share with him. As for Lily, while I can't really speak to being an #ownvoices reader for her - ADHD does run in my family, and I've got a few symptoms, but have never been officially diagnosed myself - it's her self-destructive tendencies, her own sensory-processing issues (often mishearing what other people say), and her hangup on having someone who loves her be the very person who validates her existence in which I see myself strongly.

The story's a bit of a rambly one, but it's also an emotional roller coaster, especially since Abelard and Lily's relationship is far from perfect. Their respective mental issues make it hard for them to love each other, but love each other they do, and I'm totally here for that. A lot of the supporting cast helps too, especially Rosalind and Richard, who make a sweet beta couple - this book's pretty well-populated with soft boys, always a plus. Even Lily's mom and sister, though not as supportive as they could be, pop off the page very well. And while I'm nowhere near enthused about the storyline involving Lily possibly getting neurosurgical treatment for her ADHD - in her shoes, I'd refuse no matter what, but that's just me - the doctor in charge, whom Lily nicknames "Frankenstein," is a pretty funny guy who genuinely cares about everyone he meets.

I'd like to close this review out by remarking, quite happily, on how Lily actually calls Abelard "sexy" or "gorgeous" or variations thereof several times in text. Having spent years lonely, lacking in relationships, and feeling that my autism somehow desexualizes me and makes me undesirable, I'll gladly take any rep I can get that proves that autism doesn't take away from physical attractiveness at all. And on one more note - Abelard's description in the book reminds me a hell of a lot of one of my best friends. In that respect, he's like the best of both my world and Koda's.

It took me longer than I should have to pick up this book, but now, I can thank Laura Creedle for having written it.

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Review: A Man Called Ove

A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

After seeing this book on the shelves at the bookstore - and on one of the front tables as well - for quite some time, I finally picked it up and found myself surprised by what I found within. I'd read the first chapter in the store already, and it was pretty funny, even if a lot of the humor came from Ove's political incorrectness and utter lack of patience for the poor guy trying to sell him an iPad. So I thought the book would be pretty funny in the same vein. And, to an extent, it was...but it was also pretty sad too, once we found out how much Ove was so lonely and wanted to all but kill himself.

Or, at least, he would if he weren't repeatedly interrupted in the process by his neighbors. Who may or may not be representations of the universe's existence that Ove's time hasn't come yet.

A little ironically, despite the often dark subject matter, this book actually helped me feel a bit better about myself, reading it on a day when I'd woken up super depressed. For that reason, I'll be happy to recommend it to anyone who comes by it at the store. If they haven't read it already, of course.

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